Stop Giving Advice: What Therapists Know That Great Leaders Must Learn
"The minute you offer advice, you shut down other people’s thinking." - Michael Bungay Stanier, The Advice Trap
Leadership and therapy might seem like two different worlds. But if you've ever been on the receiving end of constant advice - or if you've offered it with the best intentions only to see it fall flat - you know that telling someone what to do isn’t always helpful. In fact, sometimes it gets in the way of growth.
In therapy, advice can short-circuit the process. Even when it comes from care or experience, it bypasses the deeper work of self-discovery and insight. Great therapy helps clients build their own clarity, confidence, and next steps. And that same principle holds true in leadership.
What Trauma-Informed Therapy Can Teach Us About Leadership
In trauma-informed therapy, we honor that the client is the expert of their own life. In leadership, we can practice the same belief: the people we lead are the experts of their own work. They know the nuances of their roles, the rhythms of their days, the barriers and the opportunities. They live in that context.
Scott Giacomucci DSW, LCSW, BCD, CGP, FAAETS, TEP, author of Trauma-Informed Principles in Group Psychotherapy, Psychodrama, and Organizations, writes:
"Trauma-informed leadership involves empowering others, prioritizing safety, and promoting autonomy and choice in every layer of decision-making."
When we apply these principles, we stop leading through control and start leading through connection. That doesn’t mean we eliminate structure, goals, or feedback - it means we create space for people to engage with those things from a place of agency.
When Helping Isn’t Helping
We give advice because we care. We want to be helpful. We want to spare others pain. But sometimes, that impulse comes more from our own discomfort with uncertainty than from their actual need for instruction.
In truth, advice can disempower. It can send the message: “I don’t trust you to solve this.”
It may make us feel competent in the moment, but over time, it teaches people to second-guess themselves, rely on others to think for them, and hesitate to take initiative. In trauma-informed care, that’s called reenacting disempowerment. In leadership, it looks a lot like learned helplessness.
Ask Better Questions
One idea I often reflect on - inspired by The Advice Trap - is this:
“What if my job isn’t to have the answer, but to help others find theirs?”
📚Michael Bungay Stanier writes, “When you ask a question, you’re not just solving a problem - you’re creating a moment of learning.”
When a team member brings me a challenge, I try to pause and check in with myself. (Okay - what usually happens is I start offering advice, then catch myself mid-sentence and say, “Wait - what would your approach be?”)
Instead of jumping into fix-it mode, I lean into curiosity:
What do you think is the real challenge here?
What have you already tried?
What does success look like to you?
What feels like the next right step?
These questions don’t just lead to better ideas - they signal trust. They say: I believe in you. You’ve got this.
Leadership Is a Relationship, Not a Role
In therapy, the relationship is the foundation. Change doesn’t happen because the therapist is the smartest person in the room. It happens because clients feel seen, safe, and supported enough to explore, reflect, and take ownership.
Leadership is the same. It’s not about the title. It’s about how you show up.
When we hold space instead of holding the reins too tightly, people bring forward more of their ideas, their truth, their potential. I’ve seen it not only within my own teams, but also in the leaders I’ve coached and consulted across industries. People find their stride not because every step was mapped out for them, but because someone believed in their ability to lead their own way.
Trust Is the Strategy
Advice feels like momentum. Trust can feel like a risk. But if we want to build teams that are creative, resilient, and self-led, we can’t do it through control.
We do it by listening well, asking better questions, and resisting the urge to always be the one with the answer.
Next time you feel the pull to give advice, try this instead:
Pause.
Ask a thoughtful question.
Listen with your whole attention.
Trust the process.
You might be surprised how far someone can go when you stop clearing the path - and start walking alongside them instead. After all, healing and leadership both require walking the trail together, not dragging someone up the mountain. (Had to toss in a hiking metaphor - adventure therapist rules.)
Final Thought
If therapy has taught me anything, it’s this: growth doesn’t come from being told what to do. It comes from being trusted to figure it out.
What’s one time you held back advice and watched someone rise because of it?
